Writer’s Clinic

So, I’ve decided that as I’m not the worst editor/beta in the history of existence, that I’m going to have a writer’s clinic where people can upload work for constructive review. I’ll do my best to get back to everyone within 2 weeks with any help you’ve asked for. Requests can be something really simple like:

– I’d like to get more feedback and I’m not sure how to go about it.

– I’m not really sure where to go with this story.

– I don’t like my dialogue, help!

Whatever it is let me know and I’ll get back to you.

All you need to do is this:

  • Send an email with the document to:
  • Comment on this page that you’ve sent me something and add your request for what you want people to look at.
  • The only restriction is my time so I won’t be able to read anything longer than 10,000 words. If you have a piece that’s longer than this, just send me the first few chapters.
What happens after that?
  • I’ll post the chapters up here so that you can get feedback from multiple perspectives.
  • I’ll add my comments/edits to the post.
  • You’ll receive a copy of the document by email with all my edits attached.
7th July:
The next request is from Alicia! 
Immortal Amor:

     “Alicia! You better get up this instance!” I winced as something bruised my face.

I opened my eyes to see my uncle, George, shadowing over me.

A belt was looped in his hand as his alcohol-infested breath hover over me.

“You dirty little whore! It’s seven o’ clock and my breakfast isn’t ready! Not one bit!” He bellowed.

I get up quickly. “Sorry, tio, I didn’t mean to! I was up late -”

“Don’t give me no stupid excuse! I know what you did! Now shut the fuck up and go make me food wrench!” I felt the belt hitting me in the face.

I got up and ran to the stairs. Heading into the kitchen I took out ingredients, deciding quickly on what I should make for breakfast.

Omelets, I thought. I wasn’t naturally a good cook, but luckily my mom was able to teach me.

My eyes watered. Mom . . .

Denise Aguilar wasn’t a horrible mom and she tried her best. As I watch the eggs sizzle and snap on the pan, I remembered the short-lived memories that we shared.

I quickly served George his plate as I sat down from across from him at the table.

No thank you, as usual, I mused.

I’ve been living with my uncle George ever since I was eight-years-old. He was the only known relative that my social agent was able to contact after my parents died. I remember everything: my parents’ deaths. Mrs. Costa’s attempts to find me a good, suitable home, George’s personality before I realized how much of a monster he was.

All of this affected my life and more. Because of George, I had the worst self-esteem in the world. I had never thought of myself pretty.

I have had only one boyfriend, Sebastian, but it was just a lie. I snapped out of my reverie when I saw George get up.

“Clean up and go to school.” He grunted. I nodded feebly not wanting to get him mad and get a beating.

By eight o’ clock I was leaving George’s suburban home and heading to the only community college in my town.

The Anderson-Hummel Community College isn’t the worst, but it also isn’t the best. There are the occasional muggings but other than that it’s perfectly safe.

I smiled as I entered the familiar hallways. This is my first year here and I already love it.

At least it’s better than being with George when he’s drunk. I pursed my lips as I walk to my first class of the day, Economics I.

All my life I have always wanted a business that is successful. I didn’t want to have the same life as my dad who sold illegal drugs and was soon caught in a pickle.

Because of him, my mom died and so did he. They would’ve gotten me too if my mother hadn’t sacrifice herself.

To this day I still hate my dad, but I have forgiven him. We weren’t living in the best neighborhood and it was natural for him to want a job that would support him and his growing family.

I grabbed and piled my thick, curly, raven-black hair into a bun as I sat at my desk for today. My class isn’t the most boring; it was actually pretty fun to learn about. Especially with the assignments that my teacher, Mr. Ferguson, gives to us.

“Good morning class!” Mr. Ferguson’s deep baritone voice roared. Everybody, including myself, replied. Mr. Ferguson started to write on the chalkboard as he began his lesson for today.

                                             ~  ~ ~

         “Cazin Avin! You are so DEAD!” yelled an angered female voice.  A young boy, who looked to be twenty-years-old, ran down the hallway in a magnificent castle.

“Sorry Menia Ivy! It was an accident!” Cazin laughed as he saw his younger sister, Ivy, chase him into his father’s throne room.

“Caz, what did you do?” Cazin turned to see his older two sisters, Zyzi and Sweia, along with his older brother, Shyke Romem, and his younger brother, Abrin Inxz.

“Uh, nothing.” He squeaked innocently. Seconds later, a plum [Do you mean plump?] female brunette entered the throne room. Her amber brown hair was dripping with water. Her purple dress stuck to her like a second skin and her silver eyes were filled with rage. Princess Menia Ivy Psyard wasn’t pleased with her older brother Cazin.

“Cazin Avin Psyard! You little brat, how dare you trifle with my beauty products!” Menia stomped over to the rest of her siblings, grabbing Cazin.

“Sorry little sister, but I didn’t want Hensley Galsworthy going after you. You two are not ajutors.” Cazin stated calmly. This however got Menia even more angry.

Rahat! I don’t want you meddling horribly in my life, Cazin.” Menia pushed Cazin into a wall and walked away. Zyzi glared at her younger, stupid, obnoxious brother.

Doamne, Cazin if Menia tells mother you’ll be toast. None of us will help you this time.” The others agreed.

“Also, Caz, there is good news. The vrăjitor Luken just made an announcement.” Cazin looked at Shyke, shocked.


“About you finding an ajutor.” Cazi stopped, surprised at what he just heard.

“Well actually you’re gonna be the first one to find an ajutor, supposedly I’m next, then Zyzi, then Abrin, Sweia, and finally Menia. Mom and dad are excited by the news. They are already planning for the ajutors arrival: rooms, clothing, everything. It’s just a matter of time-”

“Who’s mine?” Cazin demanded. His dark green eyes flashed gold, the dragon inside stirred at the news of his ajutor, or mate. Shyke raised and eyebrow in amusement.

“Luken doesn’t know yet, but he will soon though.”

Cazin grunted pleased with the news. His mate had finally been found. Soon he’d be able to find her and claim her as his.

Soon my life will be complete, a deep curling voice said in Cazin’s mind.

Soon she’ll be mine Trajan.

 11th July.

Personally I think the story is rather good and with a good summary there’s no reason it shouldn’t do well. Also I’d suggest that you explain what the words used in the second half of the story are.

5th July:
Okay, well I’ve received the first request for assistance. Take a look at the Power of Destiny!
I want to get more feedback, and don’t know how for this story!! Is it because the start is a little slow? Is it because it takes me a while to get another chapter up? Or maybe because the summary doesn’t grab people’s attention? or something else? Help please 🙂
Summary: There was no way for them to be together. She was betrothed to the future king. He was her mate. He wasn’t backing down withough a fight. She was going to be his. Screw the king. This dragon wasn’t going to give her up… even if it cost him his life.
Content sent for review:

Chapter One

“Damn it,” Lucian growled as he raced after the man running through the streets. He had almost had him, but that fruit cart had gotten in his way. He had run straight into it as if it was pushed in his way on purpose. Without giving it another thought, he felt the change come over his body and he allowed it. His wings folded out and his body stretched. Soon he was a solid black dragon. His red eyes sought out the man that he was sent to get. He had spikes that were razor sharp all down his back and his tail was clubbed for hitting and killing. His teeth were larger and sharper than the biggest shark or predator. He was as big as an elephant, maybe even the size of two elephants put together. He was as tall as a giraffe’s head and as mean as a rattlesnake. He would also use all of these things to his advantage if the need came to be.

He took to the skies and looked once again for the man that was swerving around people and darting down side streets, constantly looking over his shoulder. He had forgotten that the man chasing him was a shifter and could fly.

Lucian swooped down and grabbed the man with his claws, causing the man to scream like a girl and twist and turn, trying to get free. Lucian could tell he was a shifter himself, and he was probably of the Wolf clan. Lucian was chasing him because he had stolen from several people and then resold the stuff as his own. That was a high crime in these parts and sometimes the sentence was death. That was why Lucian now held the man in his claws.

Lucian was a bounty hunter; meaning he chased down all the guys that ran or missed their calling by the city leaders. This was one of those annoying men. He was one of the easiest to catch for Lucian. Usually people changed into their animal forms and ran for the forest, making it harder for Lucian to see them and to catch them in the midst of all the trees and shrubbery. It was a nuisance and the people usually ended up hurt by the time Lucian finally captured them. If the wounds weren’t from the claws of his dragon form, then by the fist of the man that was inside of the dragon’s body; they were one in the same.

The man kept screaming and speaking in a foreign language. He was getting on Lucian’s nerves, so he tightened his grip, making it impossible for oxygen to reach the man’s lungs. The man gasped and finally Lucian let him go ever so slightly. He decided to have his fun with the man and got a mischievous look in his eyes. He dropped the man about 1000 feet above the ground. The man screamed all the way down. When he was about 300 feet from the ground, Lucian dove down and grabbed him in his claws. He was small so he fit in his claws easily.

He saw the castle up ahead in the mirrored door way to the other realm. He flew up as high as he could and flew straight into the Royal Realm. He was using one of the only ways for someone to get into the Royal Realm. He could have used one of the certain places located in the city of every clan, forest, etc., but instead he used the easier way; flying. Lucian was only allowed in the Royal Realm was because he knew the prince and was one of his bounty hunters. He was an asshole, but the prince still kept him around; tolerating him, though at times they were often caught fighting and yelling.

Lucian, having had brought several men in before, knew exactly where to go. He stopped just above the entrance to the jailhouse, or dungeon, and dropped the man. He landed on his feet and looked around. He changed back into his human form, his naked body not really bothering him. Since Lucian was a shifter, he had to get used to nudity; for it was a natural occurrence once one went from one form to the other. It happened to every shifter.

He grabbed the robe left especially for him and put it on. He was left clothing everywhere, making it easier for him to talk to people, as was everyone else who was as shifter and lived in or around the palace. The robe he was wearing now was black, fitting his mood and matching his hair. He had it loose, and down at that moment, but normally you only saw him with his hair in a ponytail. His hair came to about his mid back and was coal black; just like his dragon self. Since he was six feet tall, he always had to duck to go into the jailhouse, or some of the palace doors. His muscles bulged out from under the robe, letting everyone around him know he was dangerous. He caught a few of the women looking over at him and smiled. Women loved Lucian and he took advantage of it. He stepped toward one of the women, but they gave him a knowing look and walked on. Had he already slept with that one? He threw that thought to the back of his mind and started imagining one of those brunettes under him as he had his way with them.

Lucian knew he was a player, hell, everyone knew he was a player, and he was no virgin. He slept around with women of all sorts, sometimes more than once. There were mainly shifters that visited him, but he did sleep with witches, fairies and vampires. He liked the vampires because they could handle it rough and were all very beautiful. However, he didn’t particularly like it when they accidentally bit him in the moment. He usually ripped them away and threw them across the room when that happened. He would also roar at them, causing them to fear him. The only reason they kept coming back was because he was a good lover and knew what he was doing.

Lucian threw those thoughts to the back of his mind as he walked over to the man he had dropped earlier from the sky. He was favoring his right leg and groaned as Lucian lifted him to his feet. “Come with me,” he said, dragging the man behind him; holding onto nothing but the man’s shirt. Right when the shirt was about to tear, Lucian stopped walking. He looked up at his best friend and smirked. Another man was down and only one more to be brought in for the month.

Lucian was used to this type of thing. At the beginning of every month, he was brought a list with about twenty names on it. During that month, he had to bring in all those men unless he heard differently from the Prince himself. The prince just happened to be Lucian’s best friend, and the man he was looking at now.

“Good, you didn’t fail me,” said the prince.

Lucian nodded. If he had failed to bring in the man, he lost his credibility and power over the men he was in charge of. It was his job and if he did it terribly, then he would lose his income and his lodging. He lived in the palace with the prince and needed this job for it to remain that way. Living with the prince meant that you could basically get away with anything, as long as you didn’t get caught, and Lucian knew that.

Lucian took a moment to study his friend. The Prince’s name was Mateo, and he was one of the youngest children of the King and Queen. The eldest brother, Nikolai, was mated and had two lovely kids, one of each gender. He was a shifter and took after their mother in the way of him being a tiger. He also looked a lot like his mother, taking after her in her confidence and skills at talking and knowing everything about everyone. If you wanted to know what was happening in the castle, you either went to Nikolai or the queen. The second eldest brother, Kaden, was a bear just like Mateo and their father. They both looked like their father and took after him in his size and skills at fighting.

Mateo looked at his friend and shook his head, his face alight with mirth. He enjoyed seeing his friend happy; which only occurred after he slept with someone or when he brought in one of the men on the list.

“You’re running out of time Lucian. Think you can bring in that last man before the month is over? You only have a day and six hours. This one is a fairy and will take you to the heart of the fairy kingdom. I don’t think you can do it,” Mateo teased the man in front of him. It was 6:00 in the evening and was approaching dusk. His guards had already come forward and took the prisoner to his new cell while Lucian had been studying him. It was only them now.

“I think that you are wrong, and you know it. I will fulfill my task. I can’t afford to be kicked out of the castle and live on my own. Who would cook for me? Gina would be without a job, for I eat all her food; even when it’s bad,” he replied. He got a laugh out of the prince and Lucian smiled himself. He rarely laughed or smiled, and now was one of those rare occurrences when he did.

“We shall see my friend, we shall see,” he murmured, patting his friend on the back. “Shall we go to dinner now?”

Lucian nodded and followed Mateo out the door and into the heart of the castle. They passed an open door and Lucian caught sight of Mateo’s sister, Tamara, playing the piano that took up most of the room. She was singing and her eyes were closed. She had no clue that she had gained a small audience. Lucian had stopped walking to watch and listen and Mateo soon realized his friend had. When he did realize it, he walked back to see what Lucian was looking at so intently.

“Don’t even think of it, Lucian. That is my baby sister in there and you will not take her innocence away from her if I have anything to say about it. If I hear of you with her, then we will have some problems between us. Do I make myself clear?” The prince threatened his friend. He knew that if Lucian was given a challenge, he normally went for it, but this wasn’t the time nor the place for that. Lucian needed to understand that Mateo was serious when she said that Lucian needed to stay away from his sister.

“You have my word that I will not go after your sister,” Lucian said, still not taking his eyes off the beauty in front of him. Though he was promising Mateo not to touch his sister, he still daydreamed about her and how she would feel under him, screaming his name… He was brought out of his thoughts as Tamara stopped playing the piano and glanced at him standing in the doorway. She looked surprised at first, but then her golden eyes lit up and she smiled at him coyly.

Lucian couldn’t look away. Those golden eyes of hers drew him in. No one knew why Tamara had golden eyes. No one in her family did, nor any of her ancestors. It was a weird genetic flaw, but one that was appreciated by Lucian because it helped bring out her beauty. Though Lucian had heard rumors that Tamara was a spoiled brat and acted like a bitch at times, he had never seen it in person and found it hard to believe. When she was around him she would walk with her head held high and her curly blonde hair pulled over to the side and tied with a ribbon. It always dangled teasingly over her right breast and made Lucian want to reach over and brush it off. She was also blessed with a clear, creamy complexion and a figure to die for. She had a round, bubble butt with a nice bosom that ranged in the C size; not too big or small, more like perfect size… in Lucians mind at least.

Tamara could feel the eyes on her which made her look up. She was met with the coal black eyes of the great Lucian himself. He was known around the castle as one of the greatest bounty hunters around. He was the forbidden fruit and she wanted him. She thought that he wanted her too, but her brother’s were being a nuisance when it came to a relationship that involved their baby sister and a male figure. It drove Tamara crazy. She usually got her way and this was no different. She wanted Lucian and she would try everything in her power to get him.

When Tamara was young, she used to hate herself, thinking that no one would love her because she was almost completely human. She was born unable to shift and it drove her mad. He brother’s all took after one of her parents, but being the last born, she got nothing. The only thing she got from her mother was her frailty. She looked like she could easily be broken, but all the self defense classes her father made her participate in made her stronger than she looked. She needed to be strong in order to hold up against Lucian. He was supposed to be a rough, but amazing lover.

As she got older, Tamara figured out that she could use her body to get her way with guys. She had the perfect figure; one most girls would die to have, and she knew how to use it. She would shake her butt a little more than normal when a guy was around, and bat her long eyelashes at him. Usually she had them as putty in her hands; doing anything and everything to please her. This was apparently not the case for Lucian because she had tried to get him in her bed for a year now. He always seemed to be able to look the other way, but this year she planned to change that. The way he was looking at her now said differently.

She wanted to have Lucian make love to her, though she didn’t plan on telling her parents. They would have a cow if they found out. They wanted her to stay the little innocent princess, but unbeknownst to her parents, or siblings, she was not a virgin anymore. She hadn’t been a virgin for about a year now. She was 34 in age according to her world, but according to human years, she was only 16.

The next guy in her line of sight was Lucian and she was willing to do anything to get him. That was one of the reasons she started walking toward him now. She had yet to see her brother standing with Lucian; her eyes were only for the sexy dark figure.

Lucian felt his mouth get dry and he quickly wetted it. He watched as Tamara licked her lips, driving him crazy with her teasing. He had wanted to bed her since the first time he saw her about 2 years ago. She was usually locked in her room or somewhere studying or learning how to defend herself. He had seen her when she was younger, but not when she looked so mature and so alluring. It made him almost go weak in the knees to catch a glimpse of her. He wondered if she wanted him as bad as he wanted her.

Though most shifter’s waited for their mates to lose themselves with, Lucian was not like that. He was willing to have any woman any time and would always welcome them. He loved sex; it made him feel powerful over the opposite gender. He wanted to experience that with Tamara, but knew he would probably be killed or worse by her brothers. It made him furious to be friends with the prince at times. If he weren’t, it would make it easier to just do it with Tamara; damn the consequences.

“Let’s go Lucian, you still have one more man to capture and I’m hungry.” Mateo grabbed Lucian and started pulling him after himself. He didn’t like the way that Lucian and Tamara were staring at each other. It was unnerving. He didn’t want Lucian to have anything to do with his baby sister.

“What is on the menu tonight from good old Gina?” Lucian asked, shaking his head and clearing his thoughts. He needed to focus on that last capture. If he messed this one up, he could lose his job; a job he loved and cherished. He didn’t want to lose it; that was for sure.

“I think it’s steak, but I am not sure,” His friend replied. Lucian heard his stomach growl and Mateo gave off a laugh. It was humorous that Lucian’s stomach gave him away when he was trying to hide his hunger from his friend.

“Let’s eat,” Lucian said, pushing open the grand doors that led to the dining room. Mateo’s family was already seated around the long table that filled the chamber. It usually held about 50 people, but now it only hosted the small family.

“Welcome my son,” the large male that vacated the seat at the head of the table said as he stood up. He patted his son on the back and watched as Mateo took his seat. Lucian stood there for a moment, waiting for the king to turn to him, but he didn’t. Thinking it strange, Lucian didn’t say anything, only sat down.

“Let’s eat,” the queen said, wearing her normal attire for dinner: a dress made from the richest silk and a feather in her hair that was always pulled up into a bun. She had this attire every night for their dinner and it was easy to tell what time it was by looking at her out fit. Lucian had come to be accustomed to her different, and rather strange, outfits. If she was wearing a cool dress, it was lunch time and she was taking her normal walk around the castle grounds. If she was wearing a shirt and skirt, it was breakfast. It was weird how sometimes she dressed according to her moods also. She wore green at the moment, so she had to be envious of something. Lucian was sure that he would find out what that was soon enough.

“Hello father. Lucian has brought us another prisoner. That prison is filling up, and I think we need to start having trials soon.” Mateo grabbed a slice of bread and layered it with butter before he put another slice on top. He was trying to get his parent’s focus on Lucian. He could tell something was up, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to know what that something was yet. He was sure that if he could distract them, they would forget whatever it was they were planning on telling him.

“Good job Lucian, but we will discuss that later,” The king said, not even turning to look at Lucian. It was unlike the man to be so rude, and Lucian was surprised. Something drastic must have happened. Lucian was excited to find out exactly what.

It looked like the king was getting ready to say something when he was interrupted. “Nicodemus do not be so rude,” Latonya, the queen, broke in. Nicodemus turned to her and shot her a glare.

“Fine,” he grumbled, turning toward Lucian. “How many more prisoners do you have to get for this month?”

“There is only one, your highness,” Lucian replied curtly. He wanted to find out what was wrong, not settle for this meager talk of prisoners. That could wait.

“Now that, that is out of the way, Mateo, we have some news to discuss with you. Lucian you may remain here because this will affect you too.” The king looked at each of the faces in the room. Lucian was all ears now, wondering what could be happening.

“Continue father, you have all of our attention now,” Mateo said tiredly. He seemed like he might already know what was happening, but Lucian did not and he wanted to know. He liked to know everything and this was an opportunity to do so.

Mateo studied his father. He had yet to figure out if the news was bad or good. He waited patiently for his father to speak and finally he did. “You are to be married. The wedding will be in three months. The young girl is of the faerie race and is a water fairy. You will wed her and then peace will be amongst our races again,” Nicodemus said, astounding Lucian and Mateo all at the same time. It seemed that everyone else knew what was happening, but them.

It was then that Tamara chose to enter the dining room. She had been late because she had gone back to her room to change for the dinner. Her piano playing clothes were not good enough when Lucian was there. She wanted to impress him anyway she could and this was her way of doing that.

Lucian stared as she walked toward the table. She was now dressed in a ruby red dress that pushed her cleavage up and hugged her hips smoothly. It flowed down past her knees and drug against the floor when she walked. She had on some high heels and some red lipstick to match. Her eyes were accented with some eye liner and some mascara of the simplest kind. Her gold eyes shone with lust as she looked over at Lucian. She only had eyes for him.

After hearing a cough, she spoke. “What did I miss, mother?” she asked Latonya, sitting down in her seat next to her mother. She smiled up at her mother and her mother gave her a knowing look. Lucian watched the scene, but was still too wrapped up in his thoughts of what he could do to Tamara after that darn dress was removed. It was showing a lot, but hiding so much at the same time. It was a teaser and he hated it.

“What you missed, my dear, was that your brother is going to be getting married,” Nicodemus spoke up before his wife had the chance. The queen shot him a glare, but took a drink of her wine and didn’t say a word.

“What is the reason behind this marriage?” Mateo spoke for the first time since finding out the news. He was still having trouble wrapping his head around it.

“The reason my son is to make an alliance. The vampires and witches have been scheming against us. They are going to start a war with us and we’re not sure when it will occur, but we need as many allies as we can. The shifters are on our side along with the werewolves. We need the faeries to have the upper hand in this battle. This alliance will concrete that. Though the girl is not royalty, she has lived with one of the wisest faeries that has ever lived and has been taught much. She is strong with her craft and will benefit you greatly Mateo. I also heard she has a temper to boot and a stubborn streak. She might bring about some different feelings from you, son,” the king said, answering Mateo’s question.

“What does this have to do with me?” Lucian asked. The servants brought out the main courses and set them in front of everyone. Nicodemus said grace and then they started eating. Lucian repeated his question and finally got an answer.

“You, Lucian have the job of going to get the girl and getting her back here safely. There will be danger on the way because she lives so far away in the farthest part of the land. She lives near the ocean in her realm and is a couple days journey away from any portal. That is only if you make it before the winter storms start in. I have seen some storm clouds in the horizon, so it might be a few days before the first storm hits. While you are there, you are welcome to get your last person on the list. If you are late bringing him in, we will pardon you this one time because you are on a mission for us. Do not fail us though. You are dismissed as you finish eating,” Nicodemus replied, not even glancing in Lucian’s direction; just talking to the wall and his plate as he ate in between words.

It bugged Lucian to know that he had no respect for him as to look him in the eyes as he was speaking, but he understood. Nicodemus feared for his Daughter’s innocence and wanted Lucian to stay away from her. It was why he doubled her guard every time that Lucian was heard to be in the castle. It drove him mad, but Lucian could understand somewhat.

“I’m off to rest Mateo. I’ll take off first thing in the morning. I still need to get my head wrapped around this,” Lucian said to his friend, patting him on the back.

“You get your head wrapped around it? I am the one that has to marry a complete stranger. I only get three months to spend with her to get to know her. I have no idea what I’m going to do. Promise me that you’ll help me Lucian… Promise me!” Mateo begged. Lucian looked into his friends eyes and nodded.

“You have my word,” Lucian said, turning and walking out of the room. Right as he was about to close the door to his room he was tackled onto the floor. He was instantly on alert until he felt something brush against his bare skin. The robe had been pulled open at the chest and someone was rubbing their hands on it.

He looked up and was met with golden eyes. Tamara was in his room and wearing nothing but a red robe. How she had changed so far was beyond him, but as of right now he didn’t mind. He watched as she stood up and slowly let the robe fall to the floor. “I want you,” she said huskily, walking toward him. Lucian jumped to his feet and started moving backwards.

“Your brothers and father will kill me,” he said nervously. He wanted Tamara, gosh he wanted her, but he feared for his life, and job.

“They will not know. Do not fear. I will not let them harm you,” she said as she finally reached him. She ran her hands over his chest again before dropping his robe to the ground. She rubbed her chest up against his. “I’ve wanted this for a while.”

She pushed him back and he fell down against his bed. It was then his animal side took over. No woman was going to dominate him. He was the boss when it came to being in the bed with a woman. He threw Tamara off of him and switched their positions. This time he was hovering over her. “Let’s get this over with,” he said, eyes flashing black.

Chapter Two

Lucian woke up with the sun hitting his face and an arm draped across his chest. He rubbed his eyes before turning to face the owner of the arm. It was then he realized what he had done and what had happened.

“Oh shit!” he said. He jumped out of bed and threw on his robe. He ran his hands through his head and stared at the girl in his bed. Mateo would kill him if he found out that he had bedded his sister. He was dead. He had to leave right then. He had a mission to do and he could use that as an excuse. Now he just had to get out of there without waking Tamara. It shouldn’t have been that hard… except someone knocked on the door.

“Lucian, I know you’re in there,” Mateo’s voice rang out. Lucian stared in horror at the closed bedroom door. He ran over to Tamara and placed a hand over her mouth. She woke up and screamed into his hand. Luckily it blocked the sound. He motioned for her to be quiet.

“You’re brother’s here,” he whispered. He was quiet enough so that Mateo wouldn’t hear with his heightened senses. Tamara stared at the door as another knock came.

“Come on man! I know you’re in there. Stop ignoring me and open the freaking door. This is getting old man. Do you have someone in there with you?” Mateo was starting to get annoyed. Usually the only reasons Lucian wouldn’t open his door was if he had a woman with him, or if he was angry. It had to be the first one because he didn’t seem to be mad. If anyone had a reason to be mad, it was Mateo. He had to freaking marry some stranger. It was messed up.

Lucian had to think. He had to get Tamara out of the room without Mateo knowing. He would have to get her to go to the window. He could fly her up to her room and be back in a few moments. He would do that. He grabbed Tamara and threw her over his shoulder. She didn’t say a word, trusting Lucian for the moment. When he raced to the window he gasped. What was he planning?

Tamara closed her eyes and felt the wind rushing through her hair. She opened her eyes and found herself on the back of a black dragon. It was Lucian, only in his shifted form. He was such a beauty with his coal black scales and red eyes. He flew up to her room and motioned with his head for her to get off. She begrudgingly did so. She really wanted to fly around with him all day, but she was naked and needed to take a shower and get the scent of sex off her skin. She would have to avoid her brother for most of the time. If he smelt Lucian on her she was dead.

She watched as Lucian flew down to her window and was a little disappointed. She imagined the first time they had sex as romantic. Last night had been amazing, but she could tell his heart wasn’t in it. She wanted him to love her… not just have sex with her. If anything she wanted to make love to her, not like every other girl he slept with. She wanted to feel special by maybe waking up to a tray with breakfast or a red rose on her pillow. Something… anything romantic, she just wanted that to happen with her and Lucian. She had to make sure he never found a mate. He was hers.

Lucian swooped back down into his room and changed into this human form. He was now naked, but again that was natural. He opened the door and smiled at his friend. Mateo stared at him a moment, a look of annoyance on his face.

“What took so long?” Mateo huffed. Then he took in a big breath of air and everything went sour. Mateo could smell sex on his friend’s skin, but the worst part was that Mateo could smell Tamara on him. Lucian had bedded his sister. Now his blood was boiling. “How dare you!”

Mateo attacked Lucian. He swung his fist and connected with his jaw, causing a resounding crack to echo around the room. Lucian grabbed his jaw and stared at his friend before a look of anger passed over his eyes. He blocked the next punch Mateo threw, but didn’t’ see the leg that was coming toward him. Lucian fell backwards as his feet flew out from under him. Mateo was on him in a second.

“Why did you have to be so stupid?” Mateo yelled at Lucian while punching him every chance he got. Lucian had blood running from his mouth before he could get a hit back in. He punched Mateo right in the nose and sent him sprawling backwards.

He was stronger than his friend, but Mateo had surprised him, giving himself the upper hand. Lucian wouldn’t let that happen again. He was not in the mood to take crap from his friend, no matter what happened.

“Dude, stop. I have a mission to complete and I don’t want to leave on bad terms,” Lucian said, trying to get Mateo to stop, but Mateo was too far gone in his fury. It wasn’t moments later that Mateo started to shake as his body took over and his change was coming to be. Mateo’s change took a little a little longer than normal because he was trying to rush it. If this was a real life and death fight, Lucian would have taken advantage of that elapsed time and would have already killed Mateo before he could complete the change. Since that was not the case, he let his fried change.

Mateo stood up at 7 feet tall on his back legs. He was a huge tiger and he knew how to use his strength and speed to his advantage. He got down on his front paws and stuck his rear in the air, daring Lucian to make a move. He was on the defensive at the moment, but as soon as he went into the offensive, Lucian would be in trouble if he stayed in this human form. He was a large dragon and was continuing to grow, but he would be slow in the ground; his only weapon his fire. If he was in an open room that was big enough for him to fly around in, he would win; this room wasn’t like that.

The ceiling barely came to the average 15 feet tall. It was about 14 and a half feet tall. The light made it even shorter in the middle. The dressers and bed also made it hard for his large size to move around. When he picked this room, he only did so for the colors, not for the room and space it had. He also chose it for its open balcony that you could walk on. That was where he took off into the sky with Tamara on his back. It provided and easy escape.

That was what Lucian was going to do now. He would fly out the window, stop at his base and get his assignment and picture of his target and be on his way. He only needed a few changes of clothes and he could get that down the road after he grabbed some money out of his stash at his base.

He took off running toward the balcony; the doors still open from earlier. Mateo, knowing what his friend was planning on doing took after him. It was a match of speed and soon Mateo was pulling ahead. Lucian pushed himself harder and jumped over the railing. Mateo slammed on the brakes, making his paws skid across the smooth surface and slam his body into the side of the railing. He had lost this time, but Lucian had to come back with his bride and he would deal with him then. He hadn’t yet decided if he would tell his father or brothers yet. For now he would deal with it on his own.

Lucian was in his dragon form before his eyes had a chance to blink. He was flying through the air, his wings keeping him in the air. He turned to see Mateo now in his human form and his arms crossed over his chest. He looked pissed and ready to murder Lucian. He shook his head. How could he have been so stupid? Tamara was a tease and he knew it. He knew it would cause problems between him and Mateo, but last night he had been so caught up in the moment and in her delicious looking body that he had been distracted from reason. It was mistake he may not live through. If Mateo told his parents, he was screwed and his very existence would be hanging on a limb.

He shook his head and landed in the courtyard near his base. The base was really just a building on the outskirts of the castle gardens. It was home to Sebastian, an old retired shifter that used to be the best of his kind. He was a fox and as cunning as they came. He probably knew everything about you before you even met him. He was that good and that sly. You had to watch what you did and said around him. He was a bounty hunter back in the day and might good at it. He retired after he lost his leg in a terrible accident. Now he trains young male shifters to be bounty hunters. Never in the history of hunters has there been a girl bounty hunter.

It wasn’t that the girls were too weak to be bounty hunters, it was just that the males mated with the females and they had kids. Then they stayed home to take care of the kids and the house. They weren’t meant to go out and capture people and put their lives in risk. It just didn’t happen. That was how everyone saw it at least. The women accepted it, but only begrudgingly since no one would side with them on the men’s side. They all agreed that the women would be safer at home. It became an unwritten rule and has been kept to this day.

“What’s on your mind, Lucian?” Sebastian said, scratching his completely bald head and smiling his almost toothless grin. He had lost all his teeth as he grew older. He only had his front two middle ones and his canines.

“I need my stuff. I’m going on a mission and Nicodemus should have sent a message to you to get my stuff ready.” He paced the ground, nervous to be on his way Mateo could be down there any second and he needed to get a move on.

Sebastian, seeing the man’s nervousness and anxiousness to be on his way, went about gathering his stuff. He handed Lucian a map, a bag filled with provisions and a picture of a young girl and the man that he was normally supposed to capture.

“Thanks,” he said, taking a quick glance at the man and ignoring the girl for the time being. His main priority was the man, not the bride. He would get her last. She shouldn’t be that hard to get. Mateo better appreciate this. Lucian was one to be known for his patience and if this girl was as stubborn as Nicodemus had said, this could be an interesting trip.

He threw the pictures into his bad and threw it over his back. He leaped into the sky and was in his dragon form in moments. He nodded at Sebastian and took off. As he flew over the castle he could still see Mateo standing on his balcony, staring up at him. It was unnerving and it made Lucian nervous. He wasn’t going to like the welcoming he got when he got back; of that he was sure.

He looked straight ahead and pushed on. He would have to forget about Mateo. He would reconcile with him later. He had a job to do and he was going to do it.

“Why can’t I do this?” Shayla screamed into the empty forest. No one was around, but she felt like everyone knew of her failure. She was a water elemental and so far she had only control of the water in the streams. That meant that she had to see the water in order to control it. She couldn’t draw the water out of the ground, or out of the air. She wasn’t powerful enough yet. She was 45 years old in her people’s age, but only 17 in human years. She should have been pulling water out of the air, making it rain and all kinds of stuff, yet she was barely in control. It had been like this for the past year. She used to be a master at her element, but since that accident, she had lost most control of it.

Madeline had said it was because she hit her head, but Shayla was worried she would never get her powers back. She wanted to feel that warmth that flooded her every time she called upon her special powers; gifts according to some. She wanted to believe Madeline, but she just wasn’t sure she could.

Madeline was the lady that had basically adopted Shayla. She was an orphan and needed a place to stay, so Madeline had taken her in. She had already been housing two other kids around her age, but she had still taken her in when she needed a place to go. Madeline had long white hair that was always braided. She has white eyes, having gone blind a long time ago. She was 500 years old, and one of the oldest in their clan. The only one that was older than her was the Leader of the faeries. This brought respect from the people around her and many came to ask her advice on things. Madeline was well loved.

The two kids that stayed with Shayla under the care of Madeline were Brittney and Lance. They were brother and sister, though total opposites in personalities. Lance had long brown hair while Brittney had red hair like her element fire. She was a fire elemental and always wanted to battle with Shayla. That was before the accident of course. She hadn’t asked her to battle in a long time. Shayla often wondered if Madeline had commanded her not to.

Brittney was exactly Shayla’s age, but Lance was a year older. He was an earth elemental. He helped control the earth. He was what his sister burned. She burned trees and he made trees. They were both very powerful; as powerful as Shayla used to be. Shayla needed to get her spark back so she could use her powers again. It was killing Shayla to not be able to compete in the tournaments that were hosted every year.

That accident was rarely spoken of. It had caused Madeline to go blind, and Shayla’s water power to dry up. Brittney and Lance were out that night, both having gone to hang with some friends. Shayla stayed home to help Madeline because she wasn’t feeling well. The alarm had sounded, letting everyone know that a dragon was approaching. These weren’t dragon shifters, they were real dragons that had no human half and therefore only wanted to kill. Shayla had tried to get Madeline into their safe room, but before they made it, the house was on fire. Shayla tried to use her water power to put it out, but she couldn’t find any water in the dry air. The fire was spreading and already one of the walls had collapsed. Soon the ceiling would be on them. She caught sight of the house next to theirs and saw it was on fire also.

Shayla helped Madeline toward the door, trying to escape the fire that was burning her and killing them. Fire was Shayla’s worst enemy because it could dry her out. Shayla needed to get somewhere where there was moisture. She needed water. Shayla was almost to the door when the ceiling collapsed. Shayla had screamed and Madeline and she fell to the ground.

The next thing Shayla remembered was waking up in the infirmary that was in the center of their clan. Madeline was in the bed next to her and was barely breathing. The doctor had come in at that moment and saw Shayla awake. She quickly brought Shayla a glass of water and set a bucket of water at her side. She tried to get the water to come and let her body absorb it, but it wouldn’t move. She started panicking. What if she had lost her power completely? Shayla knew fire would be her downfall. Shayla needed to have her powers. Shayla started crying and all the noise woke Madeline up.

She looked over at her and Shayla just cried harder. Madeline was blind now and it was her fault. She should have been able to save her. Shayla should have been able to get some moisture out of her body, or out of the air. Shayla had made Madeline blind and she had lost her powers because of it. Soon her body, being exhausted shut itself down and she drifted off into sleep.

That had all happened over a year ago and now she had limited access to her powers. She could still do little things, but that was only if water was present and Shayla could see it. That sucked, but it was gradually growing. Shayla should have all her powers back soon; at least she hoped.

No one blamed Shayla for what happened, but no one spoke of it. Two people had been killed a few houses down. The house that was next to Madeline’s had spread the flame to the house next to it where two kids were sleeping. They didn’t make it out. It was a terrible evening for everyone, especially since they didn’t get a chance to kill the dragon that had caused everyone such pain.

Shayla swore that day that she would kill any dragons she met. She wanted so badly to find the dragon that had killed those kids and made her lose her powers and Madeline lose her sight. Though she never complained about it, Shayla knew Madeline hated not having her sight. She felt helpless, but knew that the people were there for her, especially Shayla. The only time Shayla left her side was when she went to the woods to practice.

It had been about two months since the last dragon incident. It wasn’t the same dragon as a year ago; that one had been black. The one that attacked them two months ago was red. The village people hadn’t seen that dragon since that day and they had no clue what had happened to it. It could be dead, but they wouldn’t know.

Shayla was walking back the way she had come when she heard the alarm. Shayla heard screams and picked up her speed. One thing she could do was run, and run quickly. Shayla was in the village before the next alarm bell went off. They went off every thirty seconds until the danger passed. She was about a fourth of a mile away and had run that quickly. It was impressive, even for Shayla.

Shayla looked up into the air and her heart seemed to stop. A black dragon was trying to land but her people were doing their very best to stop it. It was growing angry and Shayla could see its red eyes looking around. When its eyes flickered over to her for a moment, Shayla glared and willed her power to come back. She wanted to teach this dragon a lesson.

Shayla turned to find some water, but the closest water was directly below the dragon in the small pond. She took off running toward it. “Shayla!” She heard Brittney scream and heard someone running after her. At the sound of Shayla’s name, the dragon turned toward her once more and his eyes seemed to glow even redder. Shayla stopped dead in her tracks. She was about ten feet from the dragon and he was now on the ground.

The earth elementals were throwing rocks and boulders at him with all they had, but they just bounced off his hard scales and spiky back. He moved his tail and Shayla saw he was a club-tailed dragon. He was dangerous. Shayla felt someone grab her arm and turned to find Brittney standing on one side of her and Lance grabbed her hand on the other side.

They both stood there for a moment before turning to Shayla. They stared at her and then back at the dragon. Finally Brittney broke the silence that was lapsing between them.

“What were you thinking?” Brittney snapped, dragging her backwards. The dragon didn’t seem to like that and kept approaching them. Shayla was now scared for her life. This dragon could kill them. The dragon opened its mouth and they all braced themselves. It was about to blow fire and no one knew where it was going.

Instead of it blowing fire at one of the houses, it blew fire into the sky, lighting up the sky. Shayla screamed as some of the heat from the flames hit her. Brittney was absorbing the heat while Lance and Shayla were trying to get away from it. Sensing her brothers and friend’s need to get away from the heat, Brittney made the heat disappear by pulling it into her body and absorbing it. It made her stronger and she threw a fire ball at the dragon’s exposed throat. The dragon coughed and then roared it’s fury. It turned on Brittney and breathed fire straight at her.

Shayla screamed and watched in horror as the flames surrounded Brittney. “Brittney, no!” Lance screamed. That was his sister in there. He motioned with his hands and soon a huge clump of dirt stood in front of Shayla. It continued to grow bigger until it blocked her sight of the dragon. Then the dirt clump, now as hard as a rock and as big as a wheel was flying through the air and hit the dragon right in the mouth, stopping his flow of fire.

The dragon’s eyes seemed to water and then he was spitting out dirt. Shayla looked for her friend and found her lying on the ground. The heat had been to much for her body and she had passed out. Luckily there were no burns on her skin. Shayla ran to her side and knelt on the ground. She picked her friends head up and pulled some water out of the pond, cleaned it, and slid it past Brittney’s parched lips and into her mouth. Brittney did the rest by swallowing it. Shayla did this until her friend opened her eyes.

They both looked back up at the dragon to see him standing right in front of them. Shayla, tired of everyone getting hurt, stood up and put her arms out, making herself look like a cross. She stared at the dragon and shouted, “Take me!”

  • If anyone has anything to say that they think will help with the request just post a comment!

11th July 2011 –

Okay, so I’ve read through the story and I think that the plot is there which is always great. There are a few things you could bare in mind when you write including sticking with one tense within a sentence and the use of colloquialisms to describe things. Remember your plot is a really good one! Stick with it and I’m sure you’ll get the feedback that you want. 

If there’s anyone out there that knows how to write a summary let us know. Personally I’m rather terrible at writing summaries!


4 responses to “Writer’s Clinic

  1. Hayley Cyrus

    05/07/2011 at 9:09 pm

    Hey Jennifer I sent you part of my story!! I was wondering how to get more feedback 🙂 thanks for doing this!!

    • jennyt82

      06/07/2011 at 7:10 am

      I’ll have a look at it and see what we can do to get you that feedback =)

  2. Alicia Ballinas Aguilar

    07/07/2011 at 3:23 am

    Hey Jenny! I sent you a part of my story! I just recently written it and I don’t know how to continue it. Also I don’t know if I should post this on fictionpress, fearing that no one will read it. Can you please read it and give me your advice? Thank you and have a great day!

    • jennyt82

      11/07/2011 at 6:59 pm

      I like the story. Personally I’d really like to read more so the plot is there. Have you got any more written?


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